|I felt, the next day, somehow changed for the better. I felt more at ease and calmer in my soul. A month later some of these effects remain. I got to thinking about the experience and debating whether to share it or not. I prepared a diary form which Chris used a little and he took many photos. I decided to write a story and offer to share it with The Institute, having considered this possibility previous to the experience. In retrospect it seems that the straitjacket was inevitable. I have read (common) accounts about the calming effect that straitjackets seem to have on disturbed mental patients, which attribute that effect to the patient hugging him/herself, and that this act of hugging is somehow reminiscent of mothersí love. Well, I donít know about any of that. Those accounts were written, I suppose, by the straitjacket-er, rather than the straitjacket-ee. I now know that, sooner or later, the straitjacket wins. The straitjacket has a calming effect because itís inevitable. I surrendered to it simply as a practical solution to a situation I could not change. It took a few days but I felt surrender was appropriate to the situation.|
|In retrospect I think I understand now: on a real level this was a situation or a circumstance which demanded a response, some sort of a response. Unlike some situations that can be shrugged off, this one as so powerful that some sort of a response was inevitable. I am thinking now of how disconnected I felt at first, and how in time I came to first accept my reality on some level, finally surrendering (to it.) There was no other response that was appropriate or possible.|
|Even though it was by choice, I ended up helplessly bound, unable to see, unable to move around on my own, unable to feed myself, even having to piss my diaper as if I was a baby. These circumstances, this situation demanded some sort of response, yet there was no response available to me other than a psychic one. And the only psychic one appropriate to the situation was surrender. In effect, the straitjacket won. I could have struggled more violently, and might have indulged that option were it not for sore shoulders, but the outcome would have been the same. Indeed, perhaps the surrender would have come sooner had I struggled more. No matter, in the end the straitjacket is inevitable and surrender becomes the best coping strategy. I learned that long-term bondage is possible using a straitjacket, providing the straitjacket fits well. We found that the arms could be bound tightly to my trunk without pain, providing the jacket was fitting well about the shoulders. Helpless bondage is also possible if the person in control uses a little planning. Chris could keep me helpless by managing my condition, taking care not to allow me the possibility to take back control over my actions. Before he removed one bond another was already in place. We both learned that during bondage a distinction can be made between tight and secure. For some methods secure implies tight, but with the straitjacket buckles fastened securely and using locking belts and institutional cuffs, secure does not require tightness. I imagine some folks might even want to be kept in some degree of pain for hours at a time, but not I. For bondage to last days at a time it was necessary to keep things bearable. I have been designing, on paper, in my imagination, the perfect straitjacket for long-term use. Max CITA and No Escape make straitjackets that encase the arms. Max has internal lower sleeves, covering the forearm. I would like to have full sleeves, internal to the jacket. I am thinking, at this point, that my perfect jacket would use Humane Restraint L400 locking buckles on all its straps. These straps need to be made of nylon, and use a buckle which holds using three teeth, which is locked by fitting the buckle together with pressure. Or perhaps use a tie-back, by itself, or together with a locking zipper. Itís an evolving design, as I said.|
|I asked Chris afterwards what he considered the most effective controls. He considered the straitjacket and eye patches to be most effective. I have to agree. The strength of the eye patches as a bondage device is worth noting again. I could not see what Chris was doing to me, and I could not see what he had done. The very state of visionless induced helplessness. Even were I allowed to roam I would have hesitated at every step. I noticed, however, that over time my sense of hearing provided better information. Itís not so much that my hearing improved, rather that I better learned to interpret the information I was receiving. I began to guess correctly what Chris was doing to me. This did not compensate for the lack of vision, however. Chris has repeated that the eye patches were what made his job easiest. He says them made me docile and that he could do as he pleased with me. He got this advantage due to the fact that by the time I had figured out what he was doing to me, it was always too late. And even when I did struggle, I had was no match for him as he could see what I was doing, an advantage that was his alone.|
|I have given a bit more thought to the occasion where I felt that strong sense of surrender, sitting on the edge of the bed. I find it noteworthy that it came when I was bound in a way that permitted me some movement, yet drew me up sharply at the end of the leash. I could try to stand, but could not. I could try to move down the bed, but couldnít. And when I tried moving my ankles I could not at all. These frequent reminders, every time I was brought up short. most likely precipitated the feeling of surrender. I was told sharply, and frequently, that I couldnít stand up, or rise from the bed, or even move my feet. I learned that I was helpless, without doubt, and surrender was my response. I learned something about collars, too. I had previously thought of a collar as sort of a bondage gimmick, rather more symbolic than effective. I have changed that thinking. The collar was very effective: it controlled one extremity of my body. Wearing it as part of the Psycho provided some cushioning, allowing me to ďtestĒ it more strongly. There is an intimidating aspect, too, in that a collar can choke, or even kill, and I couldnít forget that. For this reason a bed strap was always used across my thighs when in bed. This would prevent me from rolling out of bed or from falling from bed during a struggle: this strap was worn in addition to ankle cuffs strapped to the end of the bed. I could have moved towards the edge of the bed, but falling from the bed, or getting up from it, wasnít possible. In the chair, too, the collar was used to eliminate options of movement. I was wrong, I must admit, the collar is not a gimmick. Itís very effective when secure.|
|There are some issues from this experience, though. I was troubled by not being able to defecate, for instance. A laxative would help with this, however, or even an enema. While on the (subject of the) toilet, itís worth noting that all business can easily be done while wearing the two crotch straps, Chris always made sure they were tucked out of the way. A jacket with only one strap would not allow this, it bears mentioning. At the end of the experience I stank and felt rather filthy. I needed a shave, too. This is appropriate, and for bondage terms longer than four days either one could either live with the smell, or derive a scheme for bathing while helplessly bound.|
|For whatever reason, after eating I would always sweat. This was uncomfortable. I was off my food, too, not eating as well or much, nor particularly enjoying it. I wasnít hungry, and after four days I wasnít malnourished, I donít think. Perhaps more time moving around would help for both the constipation and the lack of appetite. It stands to reason that as the psyche slows down the body will follow. Two or three times I started to lose heart and was tempted to ask to be released. Chris is not a dedicated bondage master, and might have released me. He says he would not have. Having somebody who wonít release you means that youíre not getting out, end of that story! Perhaps had it not been within the realm of possibility I would not have given more than a moments thought to this.|
|These is a sexual aspect to this that needs mentioning. At one time I could not even think about being tied up without getting very horny, or get horny without thinking about being tied up. When I would tie myself up and masturbate, or after sexual release, I had to gain release from my bonds, too, the sooner the better. For this reason I hesitated to try to gain sexual release during this experience. Nevertheless on the morning of third day I brought myself to orgasm by rubbing against the bed. I was curious about how I would handle my anticipated need to be free of my bonds. I had no real problem with that, it was rather obvious I wasnít going anywhere. Once again I found it easy to adapt to my situation and accept it for what it was.|
Our planning paid off. Chris admits that his job was easy, as it was supposed to be. I was kept helpless the entire time, and save for one lapse that I failed to exploit, I was hopeless to change my situation. We had achieved the goal. It was the planning, forethought, tactics and strategy that allowed for this easy success. I recommend careful and thorough planning for all such new endeavours.
I expected to feel a sense of surrender Ė I had felt it during the three day experience. What I had not anticipated was the depth of my surrender. I had no idea how helpless I would feel, or how disoriented and confused I would become. I didnít expect I would find this relaxing, either. And I had no idea that I would come out of it a better, happier person with an undeniable feeling of bliss. Bliss what not something I had any idea I would experience, and it was a very pleasant surprise.
Would I do it again? When do we start? Yes, I would, and I would like to go a week next time. Chris would do it
again, too, and next time will do it better. Iíd like to try that jacket with the internal sleeves Iíve been thinking about. Iíd use the eye patches again and the Posey Clean Cuffs, too. I recommend these cuffs to any bondage fanatic; theyíre strong, versatile, and comfortable. I bought some of the Humane Restraint-brand synthetic fleece liners to use with them, and itís a good combination. I could have been a better victim. I struggled some, but more feedback for my captor would have helped him and provided some gratification for a job well-done. I tried to coach too much, and deserved to be gagged for it. Iíll make a point of telling Chris this, heíd be happy to gag me (Iíve since told him, and he would indeed be happy to gag me.)
|I want a stronger experience, I suppose, with less choice and even less control. Shutting me up would help, but effectively the best way to provide this feeling is by increasing the duration of the experience. We decided on a period of four days because we, especially I, figured that any less than three would be something that could simply be waited out. I thought that three days would be the start of a real bondage experience, and that the fourth day would actually be ďtrueĒ bondage. Please understand the sense Iím trying to describe here. The goal was to feel both helpless and hopeless about it. That would take time, I supposed. I had no idea how accurate that assessment would be, but those estimations proved rather accurate. It wasnít the fourth day but the third that provided the strongest feelings of helplessness. The fourth day found me adopting a strategy of waiting. I think that a few more days on top of that would further the experience, deepening the surrender.|
I am curious, too, about
the effects of being in that state for, say, 5 days, then being permitted some
movement or freedom to watch TV, say, or move around some, still wearing the
straitjacket and cuffs, and then being returned to a state of hopeless
helplessness for a few days. I guess that this would heighten the
experience greatly. I guess that the sense of bondage would become an
accepted reality by that time, using this technique. The psyche would
adjust to it.
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